So here goes
Actionable (adj.): Capable of being acted on or completed in
the near future. "Which items on our list are actionable in the next
quarter?" I recommend showering after using this one. Note:
"actionable" has a long-standing legal meaning different from the above.
At the end of the day: Based on the frequency with which they
use the phrase, it would seem that members of senior management are required by
law to begin every third sentence with "at the end of the day," a
phrase similar in meaning to "when all is said and done." For
instance, your favorite CEO might say, "At the end of the day, it's our
people that make the difference." Insert platitude here.
Bandwidth (n.): Plan your work well lest ye run out of
"bandwidth," or physical, mental or emotional capacity. Spake our
friend Frank B. Kern, Internet Guru, "....I just don't have the bandwidth
to handle this at the minute," meaning "I don't have the manpower or
ability to handle this at the minute."
Best of breed (n. and adj.): The finest specimen or example to
be found in a particular industry or market. Like Papillion’s preening for the
judges, companies position themselves as best-of-breed. In truth, however, few
ever make it through the qualifiers.
Best practices (n.): Another widely used term promulgated by
the arch-demons of business - management consultants - "best
practices" is used to describe the "best" techniques or methods
in use in a company, field, or industry. Unfortunately, companies often confuse
latest or trendiest with best, and the best practices of one era are soon
superseded by the ever-more-ludicrous fads of the next.
Boil the ocean (v. phrase): Clearly the least efficient way to
produce a pile of salt. If a member of the corporate pantheon suggests you are
trying to "boil the ocean," he or she thinks you are doing something
incredibly inefficiently. It's time to prepare your resume, Einstein.
Bring to the table (v. phrase): Refers to what one offers or
provides, especially in negotiations. Personally, I bring a fork.
Business model (n.) : An amorphous term having to do with
identifying the specific ways in which a business creates value, or simply put,
how it sells stuff for more than it costs. I'll show you my business plan if
you show me yours.
Buy-in (n.): A cute way of saying "agreement" or
"consent." If you hope to get anything done in today's corporation,
you'll need management buy-in.
Centers of excellence: Certainly beats centers of failure. Most
companies have a nice set of both.
Circle back around (v.): A very roundabout (pardon the pun) way
of saying "Let's regroup later to discuss."
Circle with (v.): Like its cousin "circle back
around," it means "to meet and/or discuss with." Usage example:
"Why don't you circle with Robert tomorrow to discuss the Ebbers
case?" I can't help but envision two well-dressed exec types holding hands
and madly circling around to the delight of everyone in their cubicle farm.
C-level (adj.): Those modest, hardworking souls at the top of
your org chart: CEO, COO, CFO, CIO, CPO, CTO, Chief Dog Walker, etc.
Close the loop (v. phrase): To follow up on and/or close out an
area of discussion. Closely related to "circle back around" and
"loop in."
Commoditize (v.); commoditized (adj.): A great fear and
apprehension in business is having your product or service become
"commoditized," or turned into Just another Mediocre Piece of Junk
(JAMPoJ to those in the know), completely undifferentiated from its peers.
Componentize (v.): Nigh unpronounceable, this gremlin means
"to turn into a component." For what purpose will forever remain a
mystery.
Core competencies (n.): Simply put, it means "what the
company does best." When a company focuses on its core competencies, it
gets back to basics. I recommend leveraging these.
Critical path (n.): A sequence of events where a slip in any
one activity generates a slip in the overall schedule. Used extensively in the
exciting world of project management. Not to be confused with "criminal
path," which is a sequence of events that leads to jail, a la Andy Fas tow
of Enron fame.
Cycles (n.): A reference to computer processing cycles, this
one can be used interchangeably with bandwidth. Either way, it's a bad idea comparing
yourself or another humanoid to an indefatigable machine. You'll lose.
Deliverables (n.): Denoting project output or assignments,
"deliverables" are often "tasked" (see below), but seldom
completed.
Descope (v.): Please see "scope"
Dial-in (v.): Despite the obvious reference to a telephone,
this one means to "include." For example, "We need to dial-in
the materials list."
Dialogue (v.): It's true that Shakespeare used
"dialogue" as a verb ("Dost Dialogue with thy shadow?").
But I've got news for ya, buddy: You ain't no Shakespeare. Resist the
temptation to use this utterly superfluous verb as a substitute for
"talk" or "speak." Usage example: “Let’s dialogue
telephonically via land line," meaning "call me at the office."
Sigh.
Disintermediate: In the bleak days before the arrival of our
savior, the Web, Big Tony used to claim that he had "eliminated the
middleman to bring direct savings to you." Big Tony used a shotgun to
eliminate ("disintermediate") intermediaries in the supply chain;
today's companies use the Internet.
Disambiguate (v.): This mouthful began life in the exciting
field of linguistics only to be co-opted by the high-tech business set. It
means to settle on a single interpretation or meaning for a piece of data, or
to bring meaning and order to ambiguity. Much like this Web site.
Disincent: The third member of the incent-incentivize-disincent
axis of evil.
Drill-down (v.): To get down to the details. One starts at a
"high-level" and "drills down" to the boring details - where
executives fear to tread.
Drinking the Kool-Aid (v. phrase): A rather tasteless reference
to the Jonestown massacre of 1978, "drink the Kool-Aid" means to
accept something fully and (oftentimes) blindly.
Driver (n.): If you think this one has something to do with the
people who drive trucks, you're wrong (but I still like you). It refers to the
factors or agents that move something forward: "What are the key drivers
of organizational change?"
Eat(ing) your own dog food (v. phrase): When your company
starts using its own products internally and suddenly realizes why the rest of
the world hates them so much.
Ecosystem (n.): Companies now longer participate in industries;
they inhabit vast ecosystems comprised of consumers, partners, innocent
bystanders, and, increasingly, competitors. The idea is to be at the center of
your ecosystem, so integral to its operations that the actions of all other
participants seem to benefit you as much as them (also see Network Effects).
But remember to look out for lions.
Elevator story (n.): A pitch to a corporate executive or bored
janitor, as the elevator goes from floors 1-10 and you have a captive audience.
Also the name of an upcoming Tom Hanks movie.
Enabler (n.): Like your dysfunctional family, business is full
of enablers - things that enable something else, often of a self-destructive
nature. For instance, were you aware that "Total Facilities Management is
a Core Business Enabler"? Weird, I wasn't either.
End-to-end (adj.): Seemingly naughty, this one means
"complete, from the front-end (the end that faces the customer) to the
back-end (your back office, which no one sees)." Try to avoid this one in
mixed company.
Facetime (n.): A foreign concept to many of us in the Internet
world, "facetime"refers to time spent speaking face to face,
especially to senior management. For example, “I need to arrange some facetime
with you next week.”
Feature/scope creep (n.) : The temptation to add more and more
features to a product release until it becomes a confused mass of incongruous
elements, twisted and evil.
Functionality (n.): Simply meaning "functions" or
"features," this one has gained widespread
currency.
Gain traction (v.): To gain momentum or acceptance.
"Cisco's new routers are gaining traction in the marketplace."
Going forward (adv.): Meaning "in the future" or
"from now on." For instance: "Going forward, we see our gross
margins increasing as our new high-margin products gain traction."
Granular (adj.); granularity (n.): Getting down to the fine
details, the nitty-gritty. Busy people might stop you mid-sentence if you get
too granular. Like sand through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives.
Go-live (adj. and v.): A new product or system becomes available
to the public on its "go-live" date. Presumably, the same product or
system will "go-dead" soon thereafter.
Heads-up (n. sorta): "This is a heads-up" is a very
American way of saying, "I'm telling you this now because xyz item is
hurdling in your direction and you're going to need to do something or get out
of the way." It's simultaneously a notice and a warning.
Helicopter view (n.): See "at 30,000 feet".
High-level (adj.): Senior executives, far-sighted individual
with godlike abilities to see the big picture, want anything brought to their
attention to be "high-level", that is, neatly summarized and dumbed
down so they can understand all the techno mumbo jumbo.
Incent (v. tr.): A transitive verb meaning
"encourage" or "influence": "The program was set up to
incent users to spend more." Also the leading member of the incent-incentivize-disincent
axis of evil.
Incentivize (v. tr): The second member of the incent-incentivize-disincent
axis of evil.
Instantiate (v.): The unholy offspring of "instant"
and "substantiate," "instantiate" means to verify or
document an instance of a particular behavior or issue.
Leapfrog (v.): To surpass your competition, usually by engaging
in one gigantic, hopelessly ambitious leap of faith that is almost sure to end
in ruin and despair. Bring a parachute, golden or other.
Learnings (n.): Word favored by consultant-types meaning
"something learned." Apparently, "lesson" wouldn't do
despite 500 years of continuous use in the English language.
Leverage (v. tr): The grand pappy of nouns turned verbs,
"leverage" is used indiscriminately to describe how a resource can be
applied to a particular environment or situation. "We intend to leverage
our investment in IT infrastructure across our business units to drive profits."
Level set (v.): To get everyone on the same page, singing from
the same choir sheet, etc. Why neither of these tired, but well-understood
perennials is good enough is beyond me. I guess "level set" just has
that I-am-slightly-smarter-than-you-all ring to it.
Long-pole item (n.): Those of you who enjoy the occasional
camping trip may recognize the provenance of this one: The long pole holds up
the center of the tent and is therefore the most essential structural item.
Likewise, a "long-pole item" is the most essential element of a
system or plan, upon which all other elements depend. A linchpin, as it was.
Loop in (v.); keep in the loop (v. phrase): Used by loopy
people who mean to say, "to keep apprised."
Low-hanging fruit (n.): The easy pickings, the obvious steps
that an organization should take to improve its performance or take advantage
of new opportunities.
Mindshare (n.): Sorta like "market share," but without
the revenue and sounding a whole lot creepier. Don't use this one around
Vulcans.
Mission-critical (adj.): Meaning "critical to the
functioning or success of a business or project," this one is generally
used in reference in insanely expensive computer hardware that should be bulletproof,
but, alas, is not.
Modularize (v.) : To turn into a training module. Say, you
start off with a simple piece of information that anyone with a 6th grade
education and a quartet of functioning brain cells would instantly grasp. To
justify your position as a highly paid corporate trainer, you might try to veil
this information in a cloak of incomprehensibility, rendering the straightforward
a smelly pile of jargonous bile. Indeed, the information has been modularized.
Monetize (v.): The noble mission of Web slingers everywhere:
figuring out how to make money off each page view, visitor (eyeballs), or
anything else. If you work at an Internet company, you've used this term...
don't lie. Hell, even I've used this term.
Next steps (n.): "Next steps" are the tasks delegated
to attendees at the close of a meeting. Next steps often result in
deliverables. I believe "next steps" and "action items" are
synonymous. Do humanity a favor and avoid both.
Net-Net (n.): The end result, the bottom line, etc. ad
infinitum, ad nauseam. "Net-net, we're still ahead."
Network effects (n.): A wonderfully prosaic term from economics
describing how some products or services become more useful as the number of
users rises. Online auctions (eBay), operating systems (Windows), and social
networks (Facebook) are three oft-used examples.
Offline (adv.): "Let's discuss this offline."
Euphemism frequently uttered in long office meetings meaning: "Let's
discuss this later in private because you're way off topic again, idiot."
Operationalize (v.): A horribly polysyllabic way of saying
"carry out" or (gasp) "do." Oh, the humanity!
Out of pocket (adj.): Out of touch or out of the office for
a few days.
Paradigm [shift] (n.): Paradigm is an extra fancy word for
"model." A paradigm shift means moving from one model to a new one,
generally in a grand, expensive, and ultimately disastrous manner. If I had a
pair of dimes for every time I've heard this one...
Peel the onion (v. phrase): To conduct a layer-by-layer
analysis of a complex problem and in the process, reduce yourself to tears.
Performance management (n.): A euphemistic way of saying to
micro-manage, berate, motivate, psychologically manipulate, threaten, and then
fire someone.
Ping (v.): A "repurposed" UNIX command meaning to
send a message to another computer and wait for acknowledgment, ping means to
follow up with someone via email on an urgent, but arcane matter and wait
interminably for a reply. "I'll ping Henry on the Ewok matter."
Proactive (adj.): The modern-day antonym of
"reactive." Rumor has it that this gem was created in the 1970s out
of the parts of lesser words.
Productize (v.): A fugly word meaning "turn into a
product." Why should software vendors offer free technical support when
desperate users will pay $3 a minute for help?
Programmatically (adv.): If your people are too daft to do
something correctly, maybe you should look to software programs to automate the
task. If you follow this approach, you are completing the task
"programmatically." Ugh.
Pushback (n.): If you have a lot of sound, logical ideas,
you're bound to run into a lot of resistance in today's surreal corporations.
This resistance, often polite but always absurd, is euphemistically called
"pushback." Try not to take it personally: you're dealing with the
insane.
Quick win (n.): Everyone in business is always looking for
"quick wins," small steps or initiatives that will produce immediate,
positive results.
Ramp up (v.); Ramp-up (n.): To increase over time. "We
intend to ramp up production in anticipation of holiday demand." Just try
not to cramp up.
Reach out (v.): To call or email. For this one, we can blame
those old AT&T ads that encouraged folks to "reach out and touch
someone." Obviously, you can't actually reach out and TOUCH anyone due to
your company's stringent sexual-harassment policy. But you can "reach
out" (but, again, no touching) to a co-worker for information, support, or
to start one of those crucial conversations. But keep any interaction to a
phone call or email just to be on the safe side.
Real-time (adj.): Everyone probably has an intuitive
understanding of what is meant by "real-time," but that hasn't
stopped many companies and consultants from using the term to describe a
quixotic concept whereby a company's data is always up-to-date and available to
whomever needs it, whenever they need it.
Repurpose (v.): To take a process or system designed for one
task and use it for another -- usually in way unforeseen by its creators. In
the fast-moving Internet economy, repurposing has become a viable substitute
for true innovation.
Robust (adj.): Typically used in reference to software, this
classic means "not buggy and not a huge waste of resources." Or more
precisely, something that works well even under extreme conditions.
Roll out (v.); Roll-out (n.): Companies are constantly
introducing new products and services that you don't want or need. The
elaborate process of introducing something new is a "roll-out." The
verb form is used thusly: "We rolled this piece of crap out to the
curbside."
Rough order of magnitude (n.): Fancy way of saying "to
make a wild (ass) guess."
Scalable (adj.): Describes how flexible a system is in response
to increases in scale (number of users, hits, etc.). It might also have
something to do with mountain climbing.
Scope (v.): To set the scope of a product, i.e. to determine
what "functionality" will be included. After products are
"scoped," they are invariably "descoped" as reality
reasserts itself.
Seamless (adj.): The holy grail with ERP and other complex
systems is to produce a "seamless end-to-end solution." The seams are
the bottomless pits of hell into which your data falls when transferred from
one end of the solution to the other. See also the entries for
"end-to-end" and "solution."
Skip-level (n.): A meeting where big-shot execs ignore the
normal corporate hierarchy, jump down a level or two, and slum it with the
plebs.
Socialize (v.): To share a document or plan within an
organization, in the vain hope of getting actionable feedback from your
"peers." Also, the act of taking Fido to the park to get him used to
other dogs.
Solution (n.): Companies no longer sell products or services;
they sell "solutions," which are products or services, but more expensive.
Soup to nuts (adj.): To build every aspect of something from
beginning to end. An integrated approach. Oh, the hubris of it all.
Space (n.): The final frontier? Are you daft? No, just the
niche or market segment your company currently inhabits or hopes to enter. Or,
as your CEO might put it, "How can we leverage our core competencies to
enter the web-services space?"
Special sauce / Secret sauce (n.): We can thank McDonald's for
this one. It's used to refer to anything proprietary.
Surface (v.): While many of our more jargon-illiterate readers
might envision submarines upon first hearing this word, it is used by
management professionals as a synonym of "raise," as in "raise
concerns." For instance: "I think we need to surface those issues
before the product is launched."
Synergy (n.); Synergize (v.): The (often illusory) value gained
by combining two or more companies or divisions. Also known as "economies
of scope" and "corporate merger BS."
Takeaway (n.): The essential points of a presentation, activity,
etc. that the author hopes you will "take away." Also has something
to do with food in the Queen's English.
Take to the next level (v. phrase): I used to know a guy with a
Level 20 Wizard. But seriously, this means to move a product, service, or
organization from its current level of dysfunction to the next level of
dysfunction.
Task (v. tr.): Yet another noun turned verb, this one means
"to assign." Now go task someone with some deliverables.
30,000 feet, at: A high-level view or explanation. Please keep
in mind that oxygen is in short supply at this altitude, so you may experience
lightheadedness.
Touch base (v.): A naughty sounding gem, "to touch
base" is simply a request to meet again to discuss the current status of a
project or task. "Rebecca, I would like to touch base with you later to
discuss the Smith account." You gotta think this one leads to a lot of
lawsuits...
Traction (n.): Something you should be trying to gain right
now. See "Gain Traction"
Turnkey solution (n.): Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a
complex system or piece of software, plug it in, flip a switch and be off and
running? Oh poor Odysseus, you have once again been beguiled by the IT sirens'
song. Keep dreaming.
Value-add (n.): What's the point? No, really, that's what it
means.
Value chain (n.): As I find it impossible to define "value
chain" without sullying myself with the very thing that I abhor most
(jargon, for those of you keeping score), I've chosen to "borrow"
from another site a definition so preposterous that I just had to include it:
"a business methodology that helps companies manage marketplace
variability and complexity, and align company strategies with execution
processes." Thanks for clarifying!
Value proposition (n.): The unique set of benefits that you
offer to customers to sucker them into buying your product or service.
Sometimes shortened to "value prop," as in "What's your value
prop?" Word.
Wet signature (n.): I'm not sure I want to touch this one, but
apparently this means a human signature, as opposed to an electronic one. I
mean, do you plebs still sign stuff?
Wetware (n.): You, me, your grandma, everyone (assuming you're
a carbon-based life form). That is, a human-based solution, as opposed to a
hardware, or silicon-based, solution.
Win-Win: It's a win for us; it's a win for them. Everyone's
happy and drinking the Kool-Aid.
World-class (adj.): Means you're best in class, a benchmark. If
your product, service or solution ain't world-class, you might as well close up
shop and go home. Luckily, everything at your corporation is either world-class
now, or will be by next quarter. Or at least that's what management's been
telling everyone.
Cheers!
-Yogesh Babu
(www.fb.com/yogesh87)
